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Growing up in the United States as an Asian American, I was never really fully aware of the differences between my classmates and I until I entered middle school and high school. Being the only person in my family to be a citizen at birth, my family always stressed that I could be anything I wanted to be, including the President. I did not take it seriously and never wanted to become the President, but I grew up with the mentality that I was like every other American. It never occurred to me that Americans should all have the same physical features. My friends, while growing up, were mostly white with a few minorities here and there. I became friends with whomever I liked. Even though I didn't start off speaking English fluently, the language barrier did not prevent me from becoming best friends with a Caucasian. The very first incident that ever made me wonder about my identity was in kindergarten. One of my peers and I were waiting in line for the bathroom and she turned around and asked me why my nose is so flat. All I could say in return was why her nose was so pointy. When I got home that afternoon, I asked my mother the same question – why is my nose so flat? I never thought so until she had pointed it out. My mother explained that not everyone's features were the same. Some people have flat noses, others have pointy, big, small, or round. Then I asked her why she had a flat nose too. She responded that many Asians have flat noses, with which I responded, "But I'm not Asian." My mother then proceeded to explain that I am both Asian and American. After that day, right before I went to bed, I would pinch my nose in hopes of making my not so flat and being more American. Looking back at that event, I do not think I ever really understood what had happened. I still do not think it was a big deal. Children are often curious and more straightforward. I do not believe it was a racist remark, just an innocent one; but it had affected me without me realizing it.
As I grew older and entered into high school, I became prouder of being who I was, an Asian American. I began to have more and more Asian friends, although I still did have Caucasian friends as well. I also became involved with YOCA – Young Organization of Chinese Americans. I noticed that my school was very cliquey. If you were not part of the crowd, do not even think about going over and sitting at their tables. Many of the Asians sat together at lunch and that they separated themselves from the rest of the school. I became drawn into this social group and became more "Asianized" in the process. It was at this time that I became fully aware of my social group membership and that that affected the way one was treated in society. I remember one day at lunchtime, a freshman Caucasian student approached a senior Asian student and asked him to go to another table. The Asian student refused to move and the Caucasian student spewed out a whole bunch of racial slurs and the Asian student then punched the Caucasian student. A fight broke out and was eventually stopped by the lunch ladies and both were sent up to the Principal's office. Many people saw and heard what had happened between the two and knew that the Caucasian student had instigated the fight. By the end of the day, the entire Asian social group had heard what had happened. The Principal cleaned up the Caucasian student and sent him back to class while the Asian student had to stay and was punished for his actions. He was suspended from school for a few weeks. When we heard this, we were outraged that someone who said racial comments could get away with it. Granted the Asian student did not have to punch the Caucasian student, so in that sense, yes he should have been punished; however, the Caucasian student should also have been punished as well. Because he did not get punished, it came off that it was okay to say racial slurs because it is not something you could get in trouble for. Many of us were angry at the Principal's decision and felt that he was also being racist for letting the Caucasian student get away with what he did. The Asian student community got together and wrote a petition to the Principal about the incident. Although it did not do anything to make the Principal change his actions, it got the community together and made me very aware of my standing as an Asian American. I have always been taught to stand up for yourself and be proud of who you are. Yet when you stand up for yourself and try to protect your identity, you can get punished for it. It felt like because he was not white, he did not get the same rights as the other student; because he was not a model minority and did not just accept the racial comments, he was in the wrong. Many people had heard what the Caucasian student said and told the Principal, but the Principal seemed to let that behavior slide, as if it were okay or it was a Caucasians right to say such things. And Asians did not have the right to stand up and protect themselves from those comments. But if it had been reversed, the Caucasian student would have had those rights.
I remember a few years ago in 1999 a national controversial issue that affected the Chinese and Asian community and had many people very angry with the United States government. In 1999, Dr. Wen Ho Lee, a former nuclear scientist at Los Alamos Laboratories, was put in abusive solitary confinement for nine months because he was suspected of being a spy for the Communist Chinese. The government had little evidence for such a claim, only suspicions, yet it still made public pronouncements about Wen Ho Lee, damaging his reputation, placed him in solitary confinement and did not let him contact his family. Lee was manacled and kept in leg irons during his prison stay. Prior to his solitary confinement, FBI agents interviewed Lee and falsely told him that he had failed a polygraph test and urged him to confess. Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty? Eventually, Lee was released after a plea agreement. How was it possible that if he was such a threat to the United State's national security that he would all of a sudden be released. The Asian Community across the United Stated worked together to protest this unfair act. People signed protest petitions to Janet Reno, sent money for his defense fund, showed up for rallies and demonstrations across the country, and signed a petition for a presidential pardon for Wen Ho Lee. I was among those in the community who was very angered and outraged at the government's actions. I took part in all the petitions and would have participated in the rallies and demonstrations had any of them been in New York. I did not understand how the United States government could just go around all the laws that it had come up and expect its citizens to follow when it did not even follow them.
Last semester, there was a big incident in the clothing industry. Abercrombie and Fitch attempted to appeal to more Asian Americans with a new line of t-shirts with ethnic caricatures and slogans. Many people found these t-shirts to be very offensive and reinforced negative stereotypes of Asian Americans. I was not very offended by these t-shirts, a little shocked that they would put these t-shirts on the shelves, but otherwise it was not a big deal to me. I can see how many Asian Americans were very offended though. Abercrombie and Fitch is a company that I have always associated as a "white clothing company." If you look at their catalogues and stores, you'll find that the models and people working there are about 90 percent of the time white. So I tend to think of the company as geared towards white people. I knew there were rallies everywhere and petitions to sign, but I chose to be passive and did not become involved in the situation. Sometimes I look back on the situation and think that perhaps I should have involved myself in the petitions and rallies. Sometimes I feel like I did not stand up for my social group and went along with the oppression.
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Looking back, I do not remember there ever being a time when I did not want to be a member of my social group. My parents have always taught me that being Chinese is a part of who I am, just like being American is also a part of who I am. I do not always feel like I solely belong to either social group, but I am part of both. I am proud of who I am because without that part of me, I would not be who I am today. I am aware of my Chinese culture and language, and at the same time, I am very assimilated into the American society. I understand where I stand in society – I have one foot in each door and I comfortable, proud, and lucky to be able to be part of both cultures. I can go to my place of origin and blend in there, get along with people there; at the same time, I can be in the United States and blend in here too. I am able to experience both worlds, something that would not be possible if I were not Asian American.
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